Archive | December, 2018

10 things all Nigerian fathers have in common – Ife Olujuyigbe

28 Dec

I sneaked into the Nigerian Fathers’ Association (NFA) meeting the other day with an extra-large shirt, a fake mustache and paunch, and white patches in my hair. They couldn’t tell I wasn’t one of them, even you would not have been able to tell.

So at the meeting, all Nigerian fathers gave reports and got instructions on the things they could agree to do to all their children. I was scribbling down quickly, but was lucky to catch ten. This is top secret, so I trust you’d keep it so.

1. “Does he have two heads?” This is the question they are supposed to ask if a boy beats you in class, at a sport or at anything at all. This must also be accompanied by a stern look. It works wonders.

Don't be silly.

2. “If you come first next term, I will buy it for you.” This promise right here is what every Nigerian father tells their children. Of course, fulfilling it is a different story entirely.

Just name it and you can take it.

3. i) “Let’s watch the news.” This one may vary with language. I would have added NTA there somewhere, but fathers are now evolving, watching Channels and CNN. Whatever the case, news is a constant, even if everyone is watching ‘My Heart Beats For Lola’.

3. ii)”Pass me the remote.” This usually goes hand in hand with 3i above. So, say you’re watching Africa Magic and there is all-important news to be watched, the Nigerian father could  simply just order you to pass the remote. Please, harden not your heart. I warn you.

This what eventually happens though. Always.

4. “Ahn-ahn, what do you need all that money for?” This one is self explanatory. They most likely would still give you the money, but you have to give account.

You think you can cheat me?

5. “Who is there? Come and pack my plates!” A Nigerian father never clears his plates. I repeat, a Nigerian father never clears his plates. How can he, when you have been born with a gift of plate-packing? My fren, get in there and clear plates for Daddy. You just might find meat.

6. “You are looking take-away.” This part caused a bit of a debate at the meeting. Some fathers insisted they cannot be using sweet words like beautiful and gorgeous, and would rather mask it with take-away, whatever that means. Others insisted these men were not romantic enough. So the leader said they should all go and do what their hearts tell them.

Ah-Ah, o try gan ke.

7. “When I was your age…” This tales by moonlight feature is a constant with every Nigerian father. It is usually followed by stories of how they did something laudable, and you wonder how they all came first in their classes. Did they attend one-man schools?

I passed all my courses with distinction. I was the best student.

8. BCs, BCs, BCs. This is the favorite hobby of every Nigerian father with children who own phones. Even when you already saw the BC five years ago, they would still tell you it’s urgent. They could call you just to tell you to “read the BC I sent to you on Wozzop”. They’re awesome like that.

Sigh. No words.

9. “So where do you work now?” This question is usually directed towards friends or suitors of their children. Don’t come and say self-employed; you will be cancelled. Say law firm, hospital, bank, oil company, and yours is the kingdom.

Who's your daddy?

10. “Where is he from?” As a female, the moment you tell your dad you have a best friend who is of the opposite sex, this is the first question they would ask. They won’t even ask for the name, or if the person is going to be their future son-in-law. What is most important for now is where he comes from.

Don't bring 'kogbede' to my house o!

Don’t bring ‘kogbede’ to my house o!

 

What does your Nigerian dad do that isn’t on this list? Add them in the comments.

We’re a little late, but HAPPY FATHER’S DAY to all fathers. You mean the world to us.

 

Source: http://ifekleva.com/2018/06/18/ten-things-all-nigerian-fathers-have-in-common/

Ife Olujuyigbe is a Nigerian writer, editor, film maker, and pop culture enthusiast. She is the lead administrator at Ifekleva. A Chemical Engineering graduate, her works have appeared in literary journals, blogs and magazines from different parts of the world. Her pieces have been published in literary anthologies such as ‘A Mosaic of Torn Places’, “Work Naija: The Book of Vocations’, In The Eyes (a book she inspired, collated and co-edited), and the African Women Writers anthology ‘The Different Shades Of The Feminine Mind’. In 2016, she won Flash Fiction Competition, ‘Blackout’ and the SGNT Media Short Story Prize. In 2017, she made the long list of Writivism Short Story Prize, and was also first runner-up for The Critic Challenge. Her story, ‘A Note For Christmas’ was selected as one of the top ten African stories on Digibook Africa in 2017. Her story, ‘You Should Be A Gift’ was named one of 2017’s top fifteen by Writivism. Ife also writes screenplays, stage plays and has co-produced and directed her first short film, Parting Gift (2017). Her debut book is scheduled for release in 2018.

Did You Know?

28 Dec

accuracy afternoon alarm clock analogue

According to the latest WHO data published in 2018 life expectancy in Nigeria is:

  • Male; 54.7, Female; 55.7 and Total life expectancy is 55.2

Which gives Nigeria a World Life Expectancy ranking of 178 out of 203 countries surveyed.

While countries like Japan and Switzerland have life expectancy well into the octogenarian ages, an Average Nigerian is expected not to live longer than 55 years old.

Word of Advice: Don’t kill yourself over Nigeria, take it one day at a time and you can live well into your 90s if you so desire and God-willing. Lool. Nigerians and prayers, we must always add that G-factor to our equations.

 

Did You Know?

25 Dec

In 1978, Fela Kuti asked all the ladies in his band if they wanted to marry him and 27 of them agreed.

Afterwards, Fela called 12 priests who presided over the wedding ceremony. After the wedding, he took all his 27 wives to Ghana for honeymoon.

Source: Nigerianmuseum TwitterIMG_20181225_181732 Continue reading

‘Tis A Season To Be Jolly

24 Dec
brown pinecone on white rectangular board

Photo by rawpixel.com on Pexels.com

Christmas is here!!!

Tis the season to celebrate the birth of our Lord Jesus.

Tis a period of sharing, giving and showing love to one another as the birth of Jesus signifies.

There was no compulsion for him to come, he only GAVE himself to redeem mankind out of his unending love for mankind. Let us therefore in all that we do this season remember that Christmas is a time of extending the arm of love to everyone.; family, friends, neighbours and everyone that crosses our path.

No matter how small, ensure that you make someone smile this jolly season by giving out of your substance.

Merry Christmas Everyone!!